The Gift of Bipolar Disorder
I have the gift of Bipolar Disorder; so it is believed did Leonardo DaVinci and Van Gogh, my mentors as artists and writers. For more than most of my life time, 20 years to be exact, I didn’t know I had the illness, and just thought I was different from other people. I was crazy, wild, and had periods of severe depression, where I went into my studio and hid in bed for days on end. Most people did not know I was sick. They just saw me as erratic and difficult to get along with.
Often I felt life was not worth living. Like William Styron, who in his memoir of depression DARKNESS VISIBLE quotes Camus saying, “Judging whether life is or is not worth living amounts to answering the fundamental problem of Philosophy,” I was constantly asking myself that question. Twice I found myself answering that life wasn’t worth it and attempted suicide. Once in college I ingested 150 aspirin tablets and a bottle of scotch, but survived. I spent a month or more on the mental ward of a large hospital. I didn’t learn much except if you want to get out of the hospital, learn to play sane. Once when much older and it appeared that my life had completely failed. (My life as an artist had gone nowhere. My career as an architect was a dismal failure. My writing was blocked.) I attempted to jump off a bridge. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t put other people’s lives at risk in order to end my own.
I was placed in the hospital again and this time diagnosed as Bipolar One. The beginning of a big change happened for me. I finally got off drugs. For years I had self-medicated with cocaine and marijuana. I finally got the help I needed with my extreme mood swings. And it wasn’t the 12 steps, which hadn’t worked for me in the two times I placed myself in drug treatment programs where the prescription was to give it up to God. Well, God alone could not do it for me. I needed medication and I got it. Immediately, I didn’t want crack or pot anymore. Gradually my severe mood swings lessened and I began to feel like a whole person rather than two different people: one a likeable and gentle person and other a disagreable and violent person. The former was male, but the latter was female. I lived for many years a split life.
As legal medical drugs calmed me down, however I could see that all that happened to me was not bad. My mania gave me an energy and the courage to try new things. My depression gave me an understanding of the low points life can reach. I have had a wide range of experiences, which are a gift to only the few, and if we can keep ourselves from self-destruction we have much to offer the world in terms of insight and compassion. I know now that I can answer the question “is life worth living?” in the affirmative.
Comment by Eremeeff on 3 May 2009:
Hello,
Can i take a one small picture from your blog?
Thank you
Eremeeff
Comment by Nadine on 4 May 2009:
Hi, Thank you! I would now go on this blog every day!
Comment by Carlton Davis on 11 May 2009:
I would not go everyday, since I can’t blog but once a week, but thank you for the confidence.
Comment by Carlton Davis on 11 May 2009:
You are welcome to take a picture from my blog. I am sorry for the delay in response your comment was caught up in my spam.
Comment by julia on 12 May 2009:
I loved “The Gift of Bipolar” post! This is what keeps me going. Many people with Bipolar are creative, and many are famous from nowadays and past. I have this book “Creativity and Manic-depressive Disorder,’ about famous artists, writers, musicians who probably had Bipolar, and it was inspiring.
Comment by Carlton Davis on 12 May 2009:
Thank you for your comment. It is a gift, but it is up to you what you do with it as the Reverend Sacquety said to me when I wanted to give the gift back to the god I was convinced was my torturer.
Comment by Elcoj on 23 May 2009:
Everything dynamic and very positively! 🙂
Comment by Bodyc on 29 May 2009:
Hi there,
Thanks for article. Everytime like to read you.
Have a nice day
Comment by Carlton Davis on 9 June 2009:
Thank you for your comment.
Comment by Carlton Davis on 9 June 2009:
Thank you for your comment. A new blog is on its way.
Comment by LeraJenkins on 23 June 2009:
Logically, I agree
Comment by Carlton Davis on 24 June 2009:
Thank you for you comment. Keep coming back.
Comment by PeterMontee on 3 July 2009:
What excellent phrase
Comment by Carlton Davis on 3 July 2009:
I have said this before, but I thank you for your comment
Comment by jamie on 26 July 2009:
wow, it was just yesterday i was told i have bipolar 1, and i have been struggling to deal with it up until now. “My mania gave me an energy and the courage to try new things. My depression gave me an understanding of the low points life can reach.” thank you for this! it has helped me alot!
Comment by Carlton Davis on 26 July 2009:
Thank you Jamie, You are why I blog. If what I write can help you, it helps me knowing there are others like you out there who share a similar experience. Being Bipolar 1 can suck at times, but at other times I would not trade it for anything in the world. I feel I (and you) have great insight to offer not just on the mental condition, but on the whole of existence from the appearance to the working of men, nature, and machines. Don’t hesitate to communicate with me again.
Comment by Pete40 on 2 August 2009:
Thanks for the info.
I really liked this article. It explains the bipolar disorder really well.
Comment by Carlton Davis on 2 August 2009:
Thank you for the response. A lot of people seem to like this article. I get a bunch of positive feed back on it.
Comment by Elcorin on 8 August 2009:
Hi, Amazing! Not clear for me, how offen you updating your http://www.bipolarbarebook.com.
Comment by Carlton Davis on 8 August 2009:
I update by website every week or so with new blogs, but I am not upating the basic website content very often. Do I need to do that in your opinion? For example I don’t have anything at this time to add on to what I have already said about the Gift of Bipolar Disordrer.
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Comment by Mindy Mindburger on 24 September 2010:
BP 1 as well.
“I didn’t learn much except if you want to get out of the hospital, learn to play sane.”
I definitely did the same thing. A deep understanding of moods and personalities can do wonders. I actually helped a few people in there understand this.
Keeping an eye on the good, can help you take a more positive approach in fulfillment. I must remember this before/during grandiosity. If I focus on the stimulation from “power,” and not ” positive goal achievement” the people I love the most can get hurt.
They too get wrapped up in the excitement and only after the euphoria goes away, there’s a collective understanding of hopelessness. This drives me bonnnkkerss!!~
We are all different works in progress. :):(:):(:D
Comment by Carlton Davis on 7 November 2010:
I liked your comment, but I didn’t understand the “collective understanding of hopelessness.” What is that. If there is one, It would drive me bonkers too.
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Comment by O'Neill on 26 November 2010:
I was diagnosed at 15. I do feel this is the only way to view our special gift. Its weird to know your included in this vast community of wonderful people. Everyone I meet with it too, is just right- they are so much better than normal people to me, they make sense, they have minds that work as fucked-up as mine and I cherish that. Its a strange thing. A beautiful thing.
Thank you for this post. Its wonderfully pure. Unbelievably true. You have a good to heart to put this out to the world. x
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Comment by Anatol on 27 November 2011:
I am bipolar and it is the greatest gift of all… Life can be grasped in an intensitiy and beauty unknown to others, the pain and lonelyness is so wonderfull and u can get in touch with the others…. It is beautiful
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Comment by Carl Giangrande on 12 March 2017:
Thank you for the courage to speak out on your experience. I was misdiagnosed with depression in 2000 and treated as such. The result was disaterous and my unilateral decision to abruptly cease those medications made matters worse. Ultimately my license to practice Architecture in New York State was revoked. After over a decade and appropriate therapy I was correctly diagnosed with “Bi-Polar 2” (presently in remission). I am embarking on the process for recertification and would appreciate any resources you can provide.
Comment by carlton on 29 April 2017:
Look into Bipolar Depression Support Alliance. It helped me a lot
Comment by Nancy Louise on 26 November 2021:
Thank you so much for this article. I have been dealing with Bipolar since I was 20 and I am now 74. This disorder has caused a lot of ups and downs in many relationships and other things. I am a writer and I’m now getting back to doing that as I have published many articles. Am currently working on a novel. Many of my friends and family have not understood this disorder, but some of them are coming back to understanding it. That is very important to me, having friends and family in my life who gets this. I would remember that everyone check with all of your doctors pharmacist counselors and make sure that they are on the same page with you. Thank you again.